Sunday, June 26, 2016

dissapointment of an online crossdressing shopper

So I decided to accessorize my hands if I'm going to do more online video chat.  I opted to shop ebay since shipping is cheap and so is the jewelry (even if it's crappy, it still looks good on camera).  So I paid like $3 plus free shipping for what look like a cool bracelet that also hooks around a finger.  It said 8-1/2" bracelet which should fit me just fine.  Well not only was there no way I could get the bracelet portion around my wrist, there's no way I would get the bracelet around AND get the loop around a finger.  I can only assume they are measuring part of the hook?  So then I ordered a ring for $10 with shipping.  Looked up ring sizes, it looked like size 12 would fit my ring finger just fine (I have digital calipers to measure the ring I'm wearing now).  NOPE, ring came under size, it only fits on my pinky.
I have another pink heart ring coming from china also in size 12 (but only $3), I'll assume that too will be too small.  Live and learn I guess, next rings I order will be at least a size  13.

Friday, June 17, 2016

gender dysphoria

So I rarely have episodes like this (maybe twice before in my whole life), but the other night I had a bad attack.  This isn't like "Oh I really want to crossdress, or I'm really horny I should go read some tgfiction and go into my womanhead space".  No, this is a true panic attack.  It was a usual work week night, wife usually goes to bed before I do.  Perhaps if I had access to my clothes I could have prevented this.  I was looking through ebay through random stuff (nails and jewelry mostly), and the feeling washed over me.  For those that have experienced it I probably don't need to tell you how it feels.  For everyone else, best I can describe it is feeling like someone is holding you hostage with a gun in your face.  You feel massive anxiety that you can't run away from.  It was so strong I actually curled up into a ball and held my legs, and almost cried.  While some might say this is a cry for transitioning, no.. This might be what transgender people feel all the time, this is a rare occasion for me and not strong enough to push me over the edge by a long shot.  Still, moments like this are pretty painful, and you just do the best you can to cope with it until it subsides.

Friday, June 10, 2016

public video chat last night

So I did it.. I dressed up and sat in front of a webcam.  I wore minimal makeup, wig, glasses (I think this covers your face well so you aren't as recognizable in case someone should decide to record me for evil purposes).  I wore a boustie, a lace top, fishnet hose, 5" heels.  I setup a purple sheet on the couch to make the backdrop a little better.  I was half tempted to apply false nails to really pull off the look, but knowing what a pain they are to attach (and remove), and this being my first experience I opted to save it for another time.  I pointed the camera at my crotch, and basically masterbated for about 2 hours (rarely getting hard, but lots of pre-cum).  The site itself is setup rather frustrating as it only allows 2 minutes of private video chat (I think it's setup to earn money, IE tokens), not sure how that works.  I get why one guy was trying to get me to skype with him.  Lots of compliments, one person in their 20's even saying how they liked older TS.  As good as that felt, there was a part of me that felt jealous of some of the other channels (15 viewers in some cases).  I don't think I everexceeded 7-8 viewers (typically 2-3), but I can see why based on the competition.  I shouldn't be offended either because I find myself flipping through pages and pages of porn looking for just the right video to alter the plotline to my own fantasy (usually lesbians, and I pretend that my wife transformed me), why shouldn't viewers be just as picky what they like looking at?

Suffice to say, I never really got hard.  I don't know if it was nerves, or I wasn't being simulated by anything (bunch of guys sending private messages).  After nothing happened and the room started to get stale I logged off, a short visit to xhamster and it didn't take very long for me to climax (2 hours of teasing will do that to you).

Tuesday, June 7, 2016

In the zone again

So I'm pretty sure I masterbated on Sunday, but I can't be sure.  Sometimes I do it on such a regular schedule it becomes about as memorable as having a bowel movement that day.  So last night I was sure I was going to at least finish one of my tg stories, but I didn't.  I probably have a couple dozen unfinished stories that I've never published.  I feel like my stories are never good enough, never complete enough, and usually after a couple pages I lose interest because it isn't going as good as I hoped.  I also didn't masterbate, I worked.  I have somewhat of a side business, and I'm getting a little backed up on jobs at the moment.  Rather than having fun, I decided to focus on work and I'm sort of glad I did because it kept my mind off of it.  I'm also finding that earning a 2nd income can be as addicting as any other reward in life, whether it be a sugarary treat, sex, getting to watch a movie you've been excited about, etc.

I still feel that having this double life really gets in the way of life.  While most people just have to deal with one gender, one focused sexuality, I have to deal with both sides.  Yes sometimes this can be fun, but it can also be very draining floating between the two.

So then the next morning comes, I'm getting ready for work, perfect opportunity to masterbate.  Didn't do it at my computer, perhaps I'll do it in the shower.  Nope, got busy, started to run late, didn't have time to.  I did however slip into one of my favorite white laced panties from fredericks of hollywood underneath my work clothes.  I can't remember the last time I did that, but it was certainly enjoyable.  I probably had an erection nearly the entire drive to work, and all day I got teased by the lace rubbing it down there.  So while at work I had the thought of  random video chat.  The first thing that comes to mind is chat roulette, or omegle (same one that youtubable uses to chat with random people, sometimes while dressed as a girl).  But I thought to myself..  I don't want to talk to the general public, is there a random chat (or categorized chat) specific to LGBT, or more specifically crossdressers?  So far it looks like chatville is my best bet, and there's a TS room.  Few look to be ladies that do it on multiple sites for tokens, some look like they're just enjoying being flirted by admirers.  So tonight I did shave down there.. I was half tempted to dress up, but my only option at the moment is stealing my wife's laptop with the built-in cam.  For one, I don't want any history on her computer I was on some video chatsite.  And two, I want to be able to control what the camera is allowing others to see (IE perhaps only pointing down at my crotch, or pointing at my body but cutting off part of my head).  That's sort of hard to do on a laptop when the camera is fixed and the keyboard is as well.  So I ordered an HD webcam on amazon, it gets here thursday.  Will I be brave enough to go on camera?