Monday, August 24, 2015

HolySiz - powerful video

Since I don't have a tumbler account, I'm just going to make a blog post about it, and give Jack Molay credit.  So this is a band from the UK, music video released last year.  I saw Jack tweet it, emailed the link to myself so I could watch it later.  Ok, cue sad music.  Little boy wears a dress to school, Ok so showing the feelings of being a transgendered kid.  Then watch the girls giggle, watch the boys make fun of him.  Then it goes home, watching his father get frustrated with his transgender son, and taking away his my little pony, mother offended her husband isn't supporting him.  Then cue the scene where his dad gets upset at a teacher parent conference (clearly the dad is never going to get it, or be open-minded)  Then cue to the dad watching another father play basketball with his son, cue next scene he grabs his son in disgust, as if to feel obligated to deal with this issue.  Then you see the boy dressed in boy clothes, looking depressed that he has to simply accept society's pressure to fit in with gender lables.. But then he looks up and smiles, and it hits you like a brick (I cried.. REALLY HARD, and not sure why it hit me so hard, but I'll try to give my viewpoint).  So there's his dad, in a dress (ok, so he suddenly flipped to supporting his son, awesome).  Then you see him holding onto his son's dress (awesome again, he's even pushing his son to do what he feels natural).  Then you see the crowd around look, some facial expressions of acceptance, some of joy, some still of laughing at the situation.  Then you're filled with feelings of "Shit, I wish I was that boy now, with my dad accepting me like that".  I guess it's just a bunch of emotions all hitting you at the same time, and it's simply emotion overload.

Sunday, August 16, 2015

What a great dream last night, why did it end?

So I woke up about 8am, after a dream I wish hadn't ended (and going back to sleep of course didn't let me continue it).  So in my dream, I believe I was back in high school.  I remember seeing bus stops (like I was going to school), and I was still living at home, and my brother was still alive.  So I remember heading to school, and for some reason I had the knowledge that the entire school had been told I was transitioning, and that I was to be referred to as a girl.  I went to the first day of school dressed in my usual attire, jeans, sneakers, and a polo shirt.  As I walked around, people kept asking me "Umm, I thought you were transitioning or something?".  It was as if I had actually dissapointed everyone by not living up to what I claimed I had set out to do.  I remember coming home, and thinking how far I wanted to dress girly the next day.  It felt so good to be pushed into what ultimately I would have liked to have lived my life as, as apposed to struggling what people would think if I went out into the world dressed as a girl.

Wednesday, August 5, 2015

HRT 2 weeks, now off..

So I took my 3 pills daily for 2 weeks straight (one purifca, 2 saw palmetto).  Didn't notice any change in my body or skin, or breast growth (not surprising).. I felt a little more at peace with myself, like maybe a little more normal.  I mean I still read TG blogs, still fantasized when I wanted to do the deed (which performance wasn't affected either, but I wouldn't say enhanced either)  I also didn't feel like I obsessed about trangender thoughts throughout the day.

I'm about 5 days off of it, and today the urges are strong.  I feel like I'm having withdrawals.  Like all day during work I thought about crossdressing, any female photo I saw as I flicked through my facebook feed I'd pause and fantasize what it would be like to be her.  If my wife weren't in such a stressful period in her life right now, I would have totally crossdressed tonight.  She's leaving for a trip in a couple days, and I have a feeling that if these urges don't settle down, I'm going to be a mess psychologically.  I'm gonna need a lot of feminine attire to cope with this.

A small part of me is worried that now that my body has had a taste of normalcy and balance that this may not go away until I go back on it.