Sunday, June 15, 2014

amazon is here, review time

ok so I tried everything out...

Wig: Not bad, not good either.  I mean for $11 my expectations weren't real high.  The hair quality itself is pretty nice for a cheap wig.  I dig the colors, but the hair on top is really thin.  So thin in fact that if you don't lay it just right, you'll see your wig cap underneath (not a good look)

lashes: They are certainly thinner than most I've tried (so you won't get the butteryfly look), but at the same time they're pretty short so they don't completely fill the eyelid which makes it slightly un-natural (probably not an issue if you're a petite woman with small eyes).

lash adhesive: OMG, this stuff rocks.  Not only does the applicator brush help so much, because it's a very liquidy silicone it goes on smooth not sticky, and it really holds them in place.  I put a little bit on just to get them tacky so they'd stay in place, and then I actually brushed on a little more on top while they were on my eyelid to make sure it stayed.

Nails - bigger OMG!  I'm actually typing right now with them on (which I can usually never even attempt).  I AM making a few more typos than I normally do, but they aren't bad.  They're JUST long enough to have that sensation that I have long-er french manicured nails.  And you know what else, they stick REALLY good.. Like I could totally see these staying on for days, I'm loving the sensation that these nails are stuck to my fingernails.  I can scratch my skin and they feel strong and attached.

Friday, June 13, 2014

My week...

So I haven't masturbated all week and it feels sorta good.  Monday night I tried one of my hypnosis mp3's from Isabella valentine.  I hardly ever feel the effects of hypnosis, but I feel like if I keep trying (like anything with practice) it will eventually get better.  I got pretty deep in trance, though I usually get distracted lately because I have this weird muscle cramp I develop if I sit weird on the couch.  Anyway, the file has something to do with having an orgasm with whatever fantasy turns you on (subjective).  I found it interesting that my subconsciousness felt that being a woman would be the biggest turn on.  I started imagining I was getting penetrated, but I could feel I was only partially hard.  However when I woke up and looked inside my underwear I did have a lot of pre-cum so I was definitely turned on.  Whether hypnosis feels like fake acting or not, it seems your brain doesn't care.

This week I've been drawn to listening to more "female" music than I normally would.  Songs like paramore - aint it fun, ass back home with gym class heroes and neon hitch (she's beautiful), and christina perri - human.  This song feels like something a girl would listen to after getting in an argument with her boyfriend or her best friend, and trying to comprehend where she went wrong.

My wife is leaving for work sunday morning, so I decided to order a few things from amazon.  I've been really digging colored wigs (wife has purple hair) so I decided to get a cosplay wig that's mostly purple with pink highlight in front.  It was $11 and has really good reviews so I took a chance.

I bought some new lashes, these are supposed to be very natural looking (supposedly real human hair?):

As well as some new adhesive.  I hate that duo crap, it doesn't work, it smells, and it's messy.  This one has really good reviews and is made of a silicone, we'll see how it works:

Also bought some press on nails (but not that brand).  I was recommended these by another crossdresser that said they work really well (better than glue on in some cases) so we'll see how they work.  They're pretty short, but maybe that's a good thing.  I've always bought nails that were nearly an inch long, and I find that I can't do anything with them on and I end up being useless (especially typing):

I may even paint one of the sets instead of leaving them french manicure.  Earlier this week I stumbled upon a nail salon on yelp, and then I started flipping through the photos and got extremely jealous.  Of all the things that women get to do that men can't get away with, painting they're nails is pretty high on my list.  Here are just some of the very creative and pretty nails I liked:

Monday, June 9, 2014

Free internet porn is an enabler

For probably the last 2 weeks, I think I've masturbated every weekday (weekends I have no time away from my wife, and even if she did condone such things I doubt I'd have the urge to).  Why do I bring this up?  Well you know how guys talk about how porn is too easy and accessible, and those endorphins become a drug, and in the end you feel like a cold unloved person that's just been milked by a hand that seems to be controlled by it's own brain?  Well now throw gender dysphoria into the mix and it feels ten times worse.  Unlike a "typical" man that imagines himself fucking whatever girl is on the computer screen at that moment, someone like me 99.9% of the time imagines he's the girl on the screen either sucking cock, or getting fucked, or masturbating her pussy.

So there's a bit more than just feeling cold, there's a disconnect that hurts even more.  Sure, I can visualize myself as that girl, I've gotten quite good at doing that over the past 24 years, but it's imagination.  I don't get that visual feedback from seeing myself dressed up in the mirror, every move I make is "mirrored" by the reflection.  Of course there's more than just the sense of sight, there's 3 more applicable senses:

Feeling - I don't get the sensation of lacey clothes rubbing against my skin, that incredible feeling of hosiery against my legs, earrings dangling from my ears swaying back and forth, long hair tickling my shoulders, long nails extending out beyond my fingertips and rubbing against my skin, feeling heels on my feet, panties gripping my lower region tight, a bra holding my chest up.

Hearing: I don't get to hear my own voice, I don't get to hear female orgasms come out of my mouth

Smell: This is probably the one missing the most from my life.  My wife has a very sensitive nose, while I'm quite the opposite (takes a very strong scent to smell).  That means she almost never wears perfume, and when she does it's something very subtle and natural.  Not like I'm going to force her to wear a scent she doesn't like, or can't stand anymore than her making me wear cologne (which I don't like because the musky smell of what she likes makes me think of beards, and that just makes my skin crawl).

Should I crossdress?  Perhaps, but as many of us know, it takes a lot of time to get dressed up (hell, ask any woman), then double that to make a man look decent.  Now imagine not getting home till 6-6:30 every night, eating dinner, watching a little TV, then you're either going to bed, or taking your wife to bed while you ponder who you are and start blogging about your thoughts before you go crazy.  And while my wife never seems to mind that I dress up, I sometimes wonder if I'd ever get in a mode where I'm living as a woman outside of work all the time.  It might make me a happier person, and I think that's all each person in a relationship wants for their signifigant other.