Thursday, October 19, 2017

me too

If you're on facebook, you know what this means.  With the controversy over Weinstein abusing so many women in hollywood (and some of the stories are absolutely horrible), women have decided to use this moment to come out to let the world know they too have been sexually abused in some way.  They say 1 out of 6 women have been abused, which I think is probably low (even though that's still high).  I know my wife has been, and she hasn't posted on facebook because her parents are now on it, and if they saw that they'd immediately be asking her what happened.  So many women are either afraid to come out against their attacker, or fear nobody will believe them, or think it's their fault.

I bring this up not because it's important, or because someone who is fluid gender like me has a more compassionate stance than a lot of men might.  I think about how different my life could have been had I been born a woman.  Would I too have been sexually abused?  Beyond all the hardship that women have to go through already (looked down upon as the lower sex both physically and pay grade), they are also on constant alert of being attacked.

This goes back to my guilt of being transgender.  I get to sort of experience both sides in a way, and picking and choosing the best experience of both.  It's sort of like that movie "soul man" where the lesson he learns about being black is that he can stop taking tanning pills and become white anytime he wants, a real black person doesn't have that option.

Thursday, February 23, 2017

body swap dream.. nothing happened

So this was my dream the other night.  Like most dreams, there's not a lot of setup, and usually things aren't explained, it's sort of known knowledge (like you're being told the story via telepathy).  Anyway, I was at some sort of clinic and they had proposed to me that there was a girl that was looking to body swap with a man (permanently).  For whatever reason, the rules were that neither person swapping could know anything about the other (no medical history, age, height, didn't even know what that person looked like).  The doctor stepped away, and I snuck a peek at her file.  She was half my age, fit and beautiful, I had nothing to lose.  Yet.. even in a dream where it was only temporary,  I couldn't commit to it.  I told the doctor no, and left.  For the rest of the dream I had nothing but regret about what could have been.  For some reason I was also naked (in my male body) in public, and everytime I passed by a reflective surface I looked at my body and didn't like what I saw.  Now that's not to say I hated my gender, I think I hated my out of shape body more than anything, but I did imagine what it would be like in that female body.

Friday, February 3, 2017

trapped in the closet sucks

So a couple things...

First off, with the LGBT rights almost overruled by Trump (ironically his daughter helped save it)

There's been of course a lot of postings on facebook about supporting it.  You have no idea how badly I want to come out and say "hey everyone, the LGBT community you're supporting, I'm one of them!".  I'm not ready to come out, don't know that I ever will be.  Don't think anyone really knows where their life will take them.

Secondly, I was at the goodwill today.  I'm going on a business trip and I wanted to get a few more casual shirts so it's usually my goto.  I was checking out, and the cashier next to the one I was at sounded clearly like a man (perhaps a slight twang, like might have been gay).  I look over, and it looked like a woman without makeup (hair tied back, femme face, plump lips, etc etc).  Now if I had to guess, it's either a gay man that happens to have those features (drag queens are often gay men that happen to fit the role), or it's someone that's secretly transitioning that hasn't crossed over.  All I could think about is how badly I wanted to see him in drag.  I know that sounds weird, but I was so curious what he looked like as a woman.

Thursday, January 19, 2017

another partial femme last night - nails (ratings?)

So the wig / shoes didn't last long last week.  Even my flats are killing my feet now for some reason?  Did my feet grow?  The wig felt silly with nothing else on...

So last night I was on my computer downstairs while my wife was in bed with a cold.  I had a baggie of semi-short french manicure nails sitting on my end table.  I do a lot of craft work, so it's not unusual for there to be various supplies like double sided tape.  I know I blogged about the really strong 3M stuff for applying nails, but I'm getting low so I grabbed a roll of some similar tape (no idea when or where I bought it).  Didn't work quite as well, but probably 90% as good adhesion (and much thinner).

I really missed this.  Looking back, I realized that every item you put on have their femme rating (at least in my eyes).  What I mean by that is how strong of a female pull does it have?  Could I imagine a guy wearing this?  Would he look silly, or could he pull it off?

* dress - Almost no men wear dresses.. If it has lace, or femme colors like pink or purple, this can have some serious pull.. probably an 8 or 9 out of 10.
* heels - I'd say these pull a good 8 or 9.  Yes, men wore heels and fancy shoes in the 1800's, but modern heels with shiny leather and the shape, they are fairly unmistakably femme
* hair - depends on the style.  I think long curls can really say "woman", but then rock stars often have that hair.  I'd say this rates maybe a 7 or 8
* hosiery - If they are very translucent, and perhaps you shaved before putting them on, these can have a pretty good pull (ESPECIALLY if they aren't plain and have a design in them).  I'd give them an 8 or 9 for the latter
* nails - easily a 9 or 10.  Men are pretty adamant about keeping nails short, and dull.  You have long nails, with polish (or french manicure) and they are shiny and smooth, it just screams woman.  If you shave the back of your hand, and just take a photo of the hand (so long as you don't have veins popping out), very hard to tell if it's a man's hand.

Friday, January 13, 2017

easing back into crossdressing

So while normally I go from one extreme to the other, for some reason I don't feel like going through the work of getting dressed up.  It could be because I've been on a self pleasuring binge this week.  So right now I'm just wearing a wig and some low comfortable heels.  I tried to wear my uncomfortable (but cute heels), and I lasted maybe 3 minutes before they felt like hell.

I figure if I don't at least try wearing a couple items, I'll just never do it at all, and I know that won't make me happy.  We'll see if I can keep it up.

Friday, December 30, 2016

manicure dream this morning

After letting my dogs out and going back to sleep, I had a dream that I was at some sort of beauty seminar, but instead of a hotel or conference building it was all in the rafters of some building, and you had to balance along the beams and climb through storage areas to get to each section.  The only section I went to was the manicure section, and the floors were covered in boxes and boxes of fake nails, and you could pick any you wanted and have a manicurist apply them for you.  I chose a box and it faded to me wearing them (skipped the whole process of getting them done).  I looked down and at first they appeared good, but then I noticed a few on my left hand had already fallen off, or chipped, then I noticed on my right hand on some of the fingers they had applied more than one set on top, as if to fix their mistake but didn't want take the old one off (and all of them were applied with tape, not glue).  I was so frustrated I ripped the rest off and felt like I had been scammed.

Thursday, December 29, 2016

frustration of living a double life

Beyond the fact that I can never fully live out my fantasy.. I really hate when I get messages on fetlife such as "Hey, wanna come suck my cock?".  As a man, I know that line doesn't work, unless you as a person have absolutely no morals.  As someone with a female persona on there, it's even grosser being on the receiving end.  I couldn't hit the delete key fast enough.  If that line works, I'd love to meet the person it works on.

Second thing that's annoying is when I see posts from women I know on facebook, and I feel like I can't comment.  Whether it's a product, or a makeup technique.. I have such a huge urge to just post something, but realize that more than 100 of my friends will also likely see that comment and start to make assumptions.

I haven't crossdressed in a really long time, and my wife even brought the subject up during our long christmas break, but we just got too wrapped up in projects that it just didn't happen.  I may try to make it happen this weekend.  I just know that if I really went all out, being away from it for so long it would be like a kid hugging a lost teddy bear.